“And though she be but little...”
This is my...angel. And during her little life I’ve learned the true sense of what being a strong-willed, fierce being really means.
Because let’s be honest. This photo is only a snapshot of a day. On this day she was unruly, but fun. Challenging yet mesmerizing. She never sits or stands still unless she’s analyzing something to pieces. Turning it over and over in her hands with a steady look. This stillness is magic that happens with a great photographer!
So here’s the thing. I guess I always thought that fierce, strong-willed person was me and maybe it is but Miah takes it to such a level that I’m already outdone! I admire this and also get frustrated with her for it because it does create sheer emphatic defiance. And also tantrums. She’s only a little over one and I have to keep telling myself that. But it’s hard. I see so much strength and wisdom in her. I see and feel beyond her years and whatever crone life force wills her spirit.
It does make for very worn out days. And sometimes nights. Weeks where I get less done than I’d like. Her mind is a constant amusement park of ideas and her heart is in rhythm with the wind currents. I’m always in awe of her but also often impatient with the behavior. I never want to stomp out the fire that makes her who she is but also need to help her understand boundaries, compassion, as well as teach her about cause and effect of her actions. It’s a lot to take in and, Universe willing, we have the time.
Miah had, and sometimes still has, this habit of throwing what she’s done eating or drinking at me.
She recently did it again and I said, “Now, you know not to throw things at mommy. When you are done you hand it back to me, remember? Take it back and hand it to me when you’re done.”
I’ll be damned if she didn’t ROLE PLAY this back to me: She took the bottle back from me, took a sip, smiled, walked back over to me and handed it back. And this is why I always talk to her like a little woman. She understands more than you think!
I’ve also learned that I need to be kinder to myself for my nuances as a mother. Even as I type that I have difficulty allowing myself that grace because I wanted to be this little girl’s mother so desperately so why be on the struggle bus? Literally a careful-what-you-wish-for moment without any regrets for the summoning of her existence. I’m grateful for my father’s help with her because he knows I’m not fully equipped sometimes for all that Miah encompasses and need some reprieve when my husband is at work.
In the moments where I am quick to anger I don’t know if I would trade her behavior. I have sat with this and realized that without it, she’s not this wickedly smart kid. Without it, she’s not “spirited” and yes, I’m (still) reading that book.
I just hope to find more of the solidarity I reach out for with other mothers. I never thought I’d be here — a mom to a child of my own and let alone to such a spitfire already. I blog for the catharsis but also if it helps to read another mother’s challenges and triumphs, this place is here for that too.
So here’s to a new start of a fresh month figuring it all out.
Please feel free to message me and we can share a virtual cup of coffee or tea while we stumble through motherhood together.